Cosmo never lies
by Naidoo
Summary: With too much time on her hands Stephanie decides on taking a compatibility-quiz. The results are fatal and Ranger has his work cut out for him. (This time with the correct document)


_A/N: I am not sure where all these ideas are coming from. I swear, eventually I'll write an actual M-rated story, but it has been years since my last. And even back then I think i kind of sucked at these :)_

 _This was actually intended as a funny oneshot on the comedy side, but...it somehow took on a life of itself and didn't want to be humorous._

 _In the name of research I actually did a few of these tests guessing what Ranger and Steph would answer. Needless to say half the tests had them doomed and the other half had them happily married soon. And yes, all the questions he reads are from one of these tests. Ironically enough it is really hard to find a multiple-choice test. Most of the ones I actually found were based on you writing an actual answer. And no, Cosmo actually didn't have one online at this stage._

 _ **A/N: It turns out I actually posted the incorrect document last night. *hides in shame* I guess I shouldn't really do anything at 1am that requires thinking. I'm so sorry for that, hasn't happened before and I sure as hell hope it won't happen again.**_

* * *

I was bored.

In fact I was so bored I was afraid I'd lose my mind soon.

I was on strict orders – both from my doctor and Ranger. And at this point I was still not quite sure who'd be worse if I chose to go against them. My money was on Ranger though. I was supposed to rest – a lot. I was ordered to take all pressure of my leg and have it popped up, preferably on cushions and the likes. Having a broken ankle sucks!

What sucked even more though was that Ranger had confiscated my crutches yesterday when he caught wind of me walking around unnecessarily. Now it took me forever to make the short way to the bathroom since I more or less hobbled or clung my way from one piece of furniture to another.

I liked Ranger's apartment, I really did, but even his place became incredibly dull after a few days of nothing to do. I had managed to go through a rerun of Friends and Sex and the City, read all three books I had managed to track down in his office and started an online course in Spanish. I was looking longingly at reading the cookbooks I had found in the kitchen earlier when Lula showed up for a visit. She had a stack of magazines for me and a basket of muffins from Connie. Looking at the basked I suspected that Lula did have a few on the way over judging by the display.

She left an hour later, probably going back to Connie to tell her all about the bat-cave. Neither of them had actually seen it and I figured it was best to let Lula believe this was it. No point in me sharing my suspicion that this was maybe not it.

Being once again all by myself I started going through the magazines Lula left. The huge stack on the table next to me guaranteed me to be busy for a while. Finally something to do. I took the first one on top and started reading cover to cover, then picked up the next.

"What has you all worried looking, Babe?" I heard Ranger. "I'm sure as hell don't hope it's _How to improve your sex-life_."

For a moment I wondered why he was already here, then I caught a glimpse of the clock on the wall and saw I had been really busy with my magazines for a while. I was way past six by now. I probably looked confused for a moment when thinking about what he had said, before realizing he was reading the cover of the magazine I was currently busy with.

"That's nothing you have to worry about," I simply smiled at which he smiled back.

"Well, it certainly isn't _How to make him notice you_ either, since you are hard to miss. So why so gloomy?"

I debated whether I should start this, but the truth was, ever since a few days ago, when I broke my ankle taking off after an FTA and running into Morelli in the end my mind had been occupied. And _Cosmopolitan_ asking ' _How compatible are you with your guy?'_ was not helping things. I was looking for an entry into the discussion when I noticed Ranger moving and a moment later he sat down on the arm-rest against which I was propped up. He reached for my magazine and began studying it, before smiling.

"How compatible are you with your guy?" he read aloud and maybe there was a moment I wanted to die. Or at least hide. Any minute now he'd see my x's and o's on the questionnaire.

"So how did we do, Babe?" he asked, amusing clearly audible.

"Not so good," I acknowledged.

"And that's what has you all frustrated?" he asked. And thought I didn't nod or disagree he had a point. I knew it was stupid, but… I had thought about us quite a bit the past few days. When you have nothing else to do, your mind tends to go to places you can't stop it from.

"I know it's stupid, just… do you realize we have pretty much nothing in common? I mean… I love fast food and pastries, you'd rather shoot yourself than having to eat either," I started, seeing him smile. Ok, so I was slightly over-exaggerating, but I made my point. "You get up to work-out, run and do stuff. I get up just to go back to bed really, I hate sport and particularly running. You are really good at what you do. Me? I get lucky at best. I'm destruction on two feet and you are…. the opposite. At best I'm entertainment for you and the guys. At worst I'm putting you all in danger. You are-"

He pressed a finger against my lips.

"You can't rate a compatibility by whether you like the same foods or whether you are both early risers. Or whether you-" he stopped for a moment to look at the magazine he was still holding. "Or whether you share an interest in the same TV shows. Everyone makes their own set of rules and ours just…. don't happen to play along with whatever a magazine thinks should work."

"Do you think if I stopped being a bounty hunter we'd still have anything in common?" I finally asked. This question had been on my mind since Morelli and I ran into each other and he had some not so nice things to say.

"I'd definitely sleep better at night," he said, smiling softly. Then there was a short silence during which he looked at me intensely before continuing. "Why do I get the feeling this isn't solely about Cosmo's quiz of the month?"

Leave it to Batman to figure it out within seconds.

"Babe?" he probed when he realized that I wasn't answering right away.

"It's something Joe said when I saw him last week after the EMTs had patched me up."

"What did Morelli have to say?"

"He said that it was only my job that kept you interested and the moment I ever chose to stop being a bounty hunter you'd stop being into me. Our profession pretty much was the only common ground."

He thought about that for a moment apparently.

"And you think he's right?" I heard him ask in an even leveled tone. Leave it to Ranger to stay calm and collected when the ex-boyfriend was brought up. But then again, even when I was still with Joe these two had a strange sort of relationship with each other. Secretly they hated each other's guts, but somehow they stayed civil.

"Well…. I think it's the job and the sex really," I joked at which he laughed and bent down to kiss my head.

"Good to know I'm doing something right," he answered. "Personally I think Morelli is only pissed because you dumped him and decided to settle for something better than him. And he is wrong, and so is your magazine."

A moment later I heard him throw it on the table, on top of the stack of magazines that was still there.

"We also have a lot more things in common than you are willing to admit," he said, grinning and getting up from his arm-rest to crouch in front of the couch.

"I… like your family – for whatever reason. And you seem to like mine. We both share a love for my sheets, my bed, my shower gel and my cars," he said, grinning at which I had to laugh. "We both work way too much, but we both like it that way. I might not have any particular favorite show on TV, but that is mainly because I don't watch much TV to begin with. In general I like everything you make me watch with you. But that might be slightly biased, since I get to enjoy you while you enjoy whatever you are watching. You seem to get along quite well with my men in the office and they all like you. I on the other hand find Lula amusing. You are a lot stronger than you let on and despite of sometimes being scared you always try. You might not be a fan of working out but you nevertheless can hold your own in a fight with an FTA. You might have a worrying fixation on doughnuts and pastry and though I don't share your enthusiasm I find it hot how excited you can get over a doughnut. Also they make you happy, so why would I be against something that makes you happy?"

I was shocked for a moment. Partly for what he said, but mostly because I had never heard him say that much. Ranger usually was a man of few words. His favorite replies tended to be one word answers.

"On paper we might not look like the ideal match. And maybe we aren't. But who cares? We make it work – one way or another," he said, picking up the magazine again and going to the page of the quiz once more, reading a few of the questions. "And from the looks of it you and Morelli would have been even less compatible – not that I'd know half of his answers. And what kind of questions are these anyway? _If the title of the book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus is true, then where are you from?_ What exactly is that supposed to tell you, Babe?"

He kept reading and his grin kept spreading.

" _Which of these songs best reflects your relationship?_ _Which of these film couples most resembles you and your partner?_ How is comparing us to someone who's also fictional doing anything? _Did either of you sleep on the couch more than five times in the past year? If you were a burger, what would your partner be?_ What. The. Hell. You are not seriously putting any thought into a test that asks that sort of question, Babe? Apparently I could be either the milkshake, the fries or the ketchup."

"I marked you as my milkshake. Because I love milkshakes."

"That's comforting. But… my point here is that none of these questions say anything at all, Babe. I sleep on the couch when I get in really late and don't want to wake you. You take the couch or even your apartment when you are coming down with something. That doesn't say we fight, but that we actually look out for the other one."

There was silence for a while which I spent thinking. Maybe he was right. Maybe I had let Morelli get into my head and read something into ridiculous questions. Maybe this all was just stupid. Maybe I was stupid for getting paranoid about something that wasn't worth getting paranoid about.

"Also, in case you haven't realized … since a week you take up my couch, Babe. You haven't been on your bounty hunting activities for a week and there hasn't been any sex either. And yet, we still function and seem to get along rather well," he explained, smiling. "But even before that we had conversations and the likes that didn't revolve around either of these two topics. Though I admit these are two major points."

I had to laugh about that since I knew how fond Ranger was about both things. With bounty hunting he could be all male and alpha and occasionally found an outlet for frustrations. The sex on the other hand – well that didn't really need explaining.

"And in case you need a few more arguments for compatibility: I seem to remember we so far seem to share the same amount of love for your lingerie. You always look good in black. And even better out of it. There's no one better as a distraction than you are."

Each _fact_ was accompanied with a kiss. Maybe I should have pointed out that the last few were rather compliments for myself than an argument for compatibility. But I was at a stage where I really wasn't complaining. Both actually worked wonders. The same could be said about his kisses. Especially when he decided to change gears and go for it.

"Maybe the trick is in demonstrating," I heard him say when he released my lips and I actually needed to catch my breath. A second later I was lifted up from the couch and Ranger carried me halfway through the apartment and went for the bedroom. That certainly would be a demonstration I was curious about.

Maybe Cosmo did lie. And maybe compatibility was a lot of things mixed together. Because one thing was for sure, there was one area where Ranger and I were compatible like no one's business. And he made sure I was aware of that fact all night long. And then all morning just to make sure.

Morelli could kiss my ass.

 **THE END**


End file.
